After posting last week's blog, some interesting perceptions and insight were posted and they were much appreciated. I felt as though this was an important topic to address after some "incidents" in my life and hearing about the missteps of some of my friends and associates. And to add insult to injury, being a man and never knowing or understanding the language, thought processes, or perspectives of women, we are left in complete and utter darkness trying to figure out what we did wrong? Once we figure out what we did wrong, oftentimes it is too late.
Why is Jane fed up? Does she have a right to be angry at this point? If there is an issue, what is it exactly and how can John or any other man, for that matter, do better in a situation like this?
***Some of the following information I obtained directly from the female gender***
Yes, Jane has a right to be fed up! John created an expectation that he could maintain the financial "transactions" he was making. It is not like Jane gave John an ultimatum upfront that said he must pay for everything and everywhere they went had to be the best of the best. No, John made the choice and decided to take that route. John decided on the locations for dinner, he bought the tickets to the play, he paid for the weekend trip. John created a small picture of what it would be like to be with him and Jane was paying close attention.
From a male point of view, John was doing what we, as men, thought all women wanted: to be wine & dined, wooed and courted. Common sense to us is the understanding that this does not sustain itself, it is just part of the process. Eventually, it does slow down, adjusts, or stops. But it does not stop completely but maybe it does not continue with such intensity and high finance!
The Lesson to be learned....
Listening to my female counterparts, when a man starts dating a woman, she is not necessarily ready to get married tomorrow but she is interested in trying to find a partner she can be with long term. This "search" intensifies as a woman ages. A man has to realize and communicate upfront who he is, what he is, and what he wants and expects. Maybe the woman should do the same but that is up for the debate.
Men have to understand that during this "search", the woman is paying to your character, how you treat the server, the amount of money you spend, if you open doors; the woman is paying attention to the complete man so everything is being examined and scoped. Men can sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that the woman stuck around because he was great in bed when in reality, that could be a reason but it is a small portion of the whole. She stuck around because the total package that was presented to her while being courted was appealing.
I can say this much, I do not have it all figured out and it is truly not this simple and there are many other variables not taken into account but this is a start. There is a serious dysfunction in regards to dating going on these days and it needs to be addressed. The divorce rate is at a smooth 50% right now if not higher and it does not seem it is going to get better. A very wise person told me this one day, "Women pick boyfriends, men pick wives."
It starts with the ladies and ends with the men so we all have to step up!!!
SPEAK OUT!
Everything you have written on this subject has validity... As a woman I can see how the "initial treatment" by a man can give a woman certain expectations that may be difficult to maintain. So my thought is this: maybe there is some way that a man can relate to the new woman in their life that they are in a position to provide "special occasions",but just not all of the time. IE, something along the lines of, "This restaurant is a bit of a splurge for me, but you are worth it!" Or, "I have always wanted to visit here, but had to plan a little ahead for it. Besides, I had to wait for the right woman to bring to such a special place!"
ReplyDeleteI think that any woman worth having a long term relationship would A) Appreciate the honesty and the man not misrepresenting his actual means. B) Appreciate that the man has the responsibility to manage his finances like an adult. And C) Recognize that this honest, responsible man thinks her worthy of spoiling a bit! Might be a keeper!!
Just my $.02...
~Charis
I always enjoy reading your posts J, you've come along way ;) This was another great one. I 100% with the statement "John created an expectation that he could maintain the financial "transactions" he was making." John was painting an unrealistic and unnecessary pic. But then you have to think y did he feel the need to do so? What gave him these ideas? Maybe women in his past actually expected that which led him to feel this was the way to go. I mean he has to be getting it somewhere right?
ReplyDeleteOf course can go both ways. Some women get all dolled up in the beginning and then once they have the man, all that gets left behind.
I hope all women wanna be treated as such but not all of our definitions of what that is is the same. That's where a man might get turned around. They assume all women want 4-stars and be given fancy things.
Most women are looking at a man's character and seeing if they have the potential down the line to be their husband. If a dude is going to do all that spending up front and then be broke, what does that say how a marriage with him will be like?