Monday, August 29, 2011

Natural Disaster Special Edition: Top Ten Man Code Violations

I am not going to lie to you, an earthquake and hurricane in the same week, kind of lead me to thoughts of "end of world" and other "things" like that but they were short-lived.  Natural disasters may not occur often here in the DMV but we are not immune to them.  I distinctly remember walking across McKeldin at my alma mater UMD and watching a tornado form less than a mile away.  Tell you what, it aint like the movies!!!!

So in the spirit of being caught between the earth moving, sideways rain, and tree-breaking-power-outage winds, I bring to you THE TOP TEN MAN CODE VIOLATIONS.  Now, like it says, top ten and these are of my opinion for the time being.  The list for man code violations is quite long but in the effort to keep you interested and smiling after such a dreadful weekend, here we go:

10.  When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are EVEN permitted to deny his very existence.

9.  Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours. 

8.  Under no circustances, NONE WHAT SO EVER, may two men share an umbrella!

7.  The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes.  The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of "badness" on the classic 1-10 scale.

6.  "Falling on a grenade" for a buddy (agreeing to talk to the not-so-attractive friend of the bad woman your friend is trying to get with) is your legal duty.  BUT, should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your boy is forbidden to ever speak of it!

5.  On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest!

4.  Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

3.  If a man's zipper is down, that's HIS problem; you didnt see anything!

2.  No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. Remembering his birthday is also optional!

1.  Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
     a.  "Yeah, baby, push it"
     b.  "Come on, give me one more, harder!"
     c.  "Another set and we can hit the showers"
     d.  "Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"

BONUS TOP FIVE

1.  While your girlfriend must bond with your buddys girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends; low level sports bonding is all the law requires

2.  Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh!

3.  When stumbling upon a group of guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing #fail!

4.  When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes; as long as you dont let your friend be the last sorry SOB standing on the sideline!

5.  If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage!!!

ENJOY!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

It Is All In the Presentation...

So I am traveling this past weekend and I am at the airport drinking my daily dosage of OJ and waiting for my "zone" to be called.  Sidenote, even at the boarding gate, we practice classism!  I digress...as I am sitting and people watching, a thought came into my head and it was about an article I read some time ago about how Americans dress when we fly.  It stated that Europeans think Americans are the worst dressed when it comes to travel. I think I might have to agree!

If Love Connection happened at the airport, we would be a very lonely world!  Have you actually seen what we wear on our way to another city? Have we no shame?  I saw folks in their pajamas, no really, their PJ's, like, what they slept in, like I-am-going-to-roll-out-of-bed-and-drive-straight-to-the-airport pajamas!  Women in curlers, guys in wife-beaters, men and women with just socks on, no shoes.  I know TSA has made it kind of hard for us to wear what we want but come on folks!!! 

Do we think about who we might meet?  Are we not ambassadors of our own city when we travel abroad? What if you met your next boss on the plane? One thing he will not do is send you on business travel!!!!!

My point, it is about presentation.  My favorite show of all time is The Cosby Show and here is a clip that represents my point.  It is about presentation in everything that we do.  When I enter a barbershop, I am going to go to the barber that has the best looking shape-up.  Why? Because he is giving me his best presentation.  Ladies, when you enter the beauty salon, does your hair stylist look like a H.A.M.?

Are we too afraid to show our best to the world?  Do we oftentimes not show our best self when it comes to relationships?

As men, we should actively show our best every minute of every day in thought, in dress, in love.  The next time you want to wear your polka dot pajama pants and wife beater to the airport, stop and think for a minute and realize this is your introduction to the world.  Is it really????

Monday, August 15, 2011

You've Got Mail!!

So my little sister calls me at work this morning and her exact words to start off the convo were:

"It must be something in the water! Why did I receive a picture of (insert name here of wanna-be porno guy)'s penis by text message?"

Ok people, I just have one question...

WHERE THEY DO THAT AT????  Yes, I said it in all my ebonics and broken English because it is now so serious, this epidemic, I cannot even speak properly.

Once again I am probably showing my age and how old fashion I am when it comes to sex but is this part of the new sexual revolution where we are all so free about what we have?  Are we sending our private parts to be served with said recipient's morning coffee?

Men are sending pictures of their genitalia to women and oftentimes I do not even think they know their last name.  And to top it all off, some of these women are not even impressed with the package being received. 

If this is some kind of ploy to get a woman into the sack immediately, the last thing you want to do is show your "hand" before the game is even played.  If she is not impressed, your chances of scoring have pretty much been diminished!!! 

If she is impressed with your "hand" then she might think about it but then again, she is probably thinking your some kind of sex-crazed weirdo wondering if this is your first time doing this.  The answer, probably not!!

Okay, say you do "score" but a month or two later, you two go through a bad "breakup" or you do something to make her upset and decides to post your "hand", which is still on her phone, on Facebook or Twitter and tag you.  Makes it hard to get hired for a new job if your "hand" is all over the internet.

And what if this woman you are "courting" (and I use that term VERY loosely here) is sort of clumsy and loses the phone or upgrades her phone at Sprint.  When she turns the phone in, Maggie the Spring lady is now going through this phone and all the old text messages and runs across your "hand."  It is not like she doesnt have a name associated with it!  I do not even want to think about the possibilities of a "hand" falling into the wrong hands.

BUT, you know what, I cannot 100% blame the guys for this debauchery and ignorance.  Somewhere along the way, a woman allowed this to happen. A woman thought was cute or OK to do and it has spread like wildfire.  So yes, ladies, you deserve some blame for this.

Bottom line, fellas, can we stop this practice.  Last thing I want to happen is for some eager beaver to put in my phone number by accident because it is late night and he is drunk, trying to recall the lady's phone number he jusst met 10 minutes ago and send his "hand" to me while I am enjoying my bacon and eggs.  IT IS JUST NOT A GOOD LOOK!!!! Literally and figuratively.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Hall of Fame vs. Hall of Shame

The NFL Hall of Fame Inductee Ceremony was this past weekend and the speeches have become viral by Deion Sanders and Shannon Sharpe.  Both of these players were great and contributed a lot to the game of football.  Football players spend all of their careers with a helmet on their heads making it virtually impossible to recognize them in public or on the street and very few of them get a mic shoved in their face to talk about anything outside of football.

The HOF Inductee Ceremony speeches gave a side of the player, through their speeches, we probably would have never heard or seen unless they sat down with Roy Firestone at some point in their career.  Both of their speeches had some similar themes:

1.  Both players did not have a Father-figure inside the house; Shannon's was his Grandfather
2.  Both dedicate everything they had and who they are to their Mothers

I think the speeches themselves reflect the respect, admiration, loyalty, and love they showed to their Mothers which translated into the hard work, loyalty, and integrity they showed while playing the game of football.

Sidenote, Deion Sanders nickname "Primetime" and his explanation on how he came up with it was genius!!!!

I made a decision a long time ago that I would stop watching the news, literally, stop watching it.  It is just too depressing; if you want to ruin someone's day or bring them down off of a natural high, cut on the 6'o clock news.  Makes you want to slit your wrist.  Somehow I got caught watching the tube, specifically the news, and one of the leading stories was about a Mother on a bus and how she got chastised by another man on the same bus about her parenting skills.

Well, the Mother becomes enraged, calls her "homies" and about fifteen minutes later they show up, guns blazing, literally, and shoot up the bus.  I can't make this up even if I wanted to and to top it all off, the whole thing was caught on video

So in one instance I have Mothers who pushed their sons to be the very best at whatever they wanted to be the best at and make a better life for themselves and the loved ones around them.  In another instance, I have a Mother who encourages the attempted killing of a man and other innocent bystanders because she could not take criticism.

Am I missing something here?  Where is the disconnect?  Where are we going as a people?

SPEAK OUT!!!

Monday, August 1, 2011

I Knew Your Girl

I went in a little deep last week so I will lighten it up for my readers.  Before I start I would like to thank you all for reading and following my blog weekly.  I have received a lot of positive comments in person and through other mediums and it is greatly appreciated.  Keep reading and pass it on!!!

This week I am writing about a topic sent to me from a close friend inspired by a song called "I Knew Your Girl" by Joe.  If you do not know the song, click the title and take a listen for yourself.  The gist of the song is that a guy dated or sexed a friend of his current girl/wifey and he never told her.  So in this song, he is confessing about his past transgressions with this friend to his girl.

To give this situation a real life scenario:

Carlton is currently dating a young lady named Jenny.  They go to a summer cookout and Carlton runs into a past "situation" by the name of Samantha.  Samantha just so happens to be friends with Jenny; they went to undergrad together.  Carlton keeps his cool but has to seriously think about what to do next.

Does Carlton confess to Jenny about Samantha when they are alone or does he take Samantha "to the grave" and not ever mention it to Jenny?

If Carlton decides to confess to Jenny, does he go into detail or does he pull a Seinfeld and "yadda yadda yadda" the good stuff?

If he does not tell Jenny but Samantha does and then Jenny approaches Carlton about it, what is Carlton suppose to say?  Or is Carlton screwed at this point?

Speak out!