"Knock! Knock"
Someone knocking on my door on a Saturday morning was a rarity in my neighborhood and you never did so unannounced. My Father answers the door and there standing is a young lady and her Father. My Father, Mr. George Moore, politely asked in his Barry White voice, "Good Morning, what can I do for you today?"
The other Father said, "Yes, my name is Mr. X and I would like to speak to you about the rape of my daughter by your son." My Mother and I overheard this and I think both of our faces fell to the floor. George invited the gentleman in with his daughter and sat them on our couch. George and my Mother, Shelli, sat on one couch, the Father and daughter on the other while I sat on the stairs in plain site.
Rewind about 10 hours ago:
I get a beep from this girl that has been telling me for the past few weeks in school she wants to sex me. I was 16 and still a virgin; all of my friends had been engaging in sexual acts for "years" now so I literally was the Last of the Mohicans. I was captain on the basketball team and a pretty popular person in and outside my school and even though sex was not openly talked about, you knew who was doing it and who was not. My friends knew I was still a virgin but it was not public knowledge. At one point, they tried to de-virginize me by basically throwing a girl onto me but I did not want it to go down this way, I wanted to lose my virginity my way.
I was not expecting some nice planned out situation to lose it but I did not want to turn it into some sort of bartering exchange of goods and services. So I finally took this young lady up on her offer and told her to beep me Friday night when she was ready to do the do. Now, I am only 16 and I still live at home so it is not like I had a spot to take her to nor did I have the money for a cheap motel. So I did what any young, horny teenager would do in this situation, we did the do in my hooptie!
She beeped me late in the evening and that was the signal for me to come pick her up from her house. She would sneak out (her parents were very strict) and we would go and park in the park. We did what we wanted to do and I was no longer a virgin. I took her home and she would sneak back into her home.
Well apparently she did not do a good job because she was at my house the next morning accusing me of rape!
Back to Saturday Morning:
"Your son raped my daughter last night and I want to know what you are going to do about it..." the Father said to George. George, without hesitation, responded, "My son would never rape your daughter or any other women. I would like to hear from your daughter what happened and my son will explain the events of this 'alleged' rape."
At this point, George nor my Mother ever asked me if I raped anybody and they did not have to. They raised me and knew what I was fully capable of. I was no angel as a kid growing up but if you knew me, you knew I was never capable of rape.
Both sides told their story and eventually the young lady broke down and told the truth to her Father. She admitted to lying about being raped because she did not want to get in trouble for sneaking out of the house. She admitted the sex was consensual and that I never forced her to do anything. Her Father stood up like a man and graciously apologized to my family and I and they left. Immediately, my house went back to normal with everyone doing what they were doing like this episode never happened. To this day, we have never spoken about this incident.
Today, 2012:
I think about the young man, Brian Banks, who was recently exonerated for the alleged rape he was accused of committing his senior year in high school. His accuser was caught on tape admitting she was never raped and was scared to come forward for fear of losing the $1.5 million her and her family won in a civil suit based on this lie.
Kudos to Brian Banks for not wanting to choke the life out of this woman he actually sat across from while recording her confession. Cheers to Brian for not wanting to take any legal action against his accuser, Wanetta Gibson, or pursue any civil action against her for the pain and suffering and the loss of a football scholarship to USC. A round of applause goes to Brian for letting go the hurt, vengeance, and the need to revenge this dreadful act.
But there are some other issues that need to be addressed and understood before this is an open and shut case. What about the women out there who are really raped? This makes it even harder for them to come forward without the fear of being told they were lying or convinced that it was consensual. Someone on the hill needs to pass a law that false accusations of rape should result in the conviction of the "accuser" and be punished to the full extent.
Brian Banks is still a registered sex offender. Although he has been exonerated, "sex offender" will be attached to every job application he submits. How does a man who did nothing wrong start over in a society that deems him a menace? He cannot get those years back so that is a forgone conclusion. If he is lucky, he may still get a shot at playing football at the collegiate level if a compassionate coach gives him a chance. And how do you even begin to fix the psychological effects prison has on a young man?
Speaking of psyche, and this is what affected me the most also, how do you go forward and trust women completely? As a man, you are taught that "No" means "No" and anything that happens after that is considered a violation. I have even taken it a step further and made it a rule to never have sex with a woman if she is intoxicated, unless she is my girlfriend and/or wife. How can you prevent yourself from second-guessing the motives of a woman especially if you have something to lose?
When a woman lies about being raped, the victim is not just the person being accused. Every woman this man encounters from this point on maybe dealing with a man with trust issues. If untreated, this man could move forward but still have unhealthy relationships with women because a woman betrayed him at a young, impressionable age.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
The Barbershop: A Black Man's Country Club
Saturday Morning. Eddie Norris' phone rings. "Wassup Jay!" I give Eddie my usual, "What it do playa, are you in the shop?" Ed always says, "I got two and then you so come on thru..." and then I tell the biggest and most notorious lie every Black man has told at least once in his life, "I will be there in five minutes!"
Half hour, maybe 45 minutes later, I arrive at Changing Faces Barbershop in the Northeast section of DC right next to Catholic University. I walk in to my version of "Cheers" and give a "What's Up" and some dap to all barbers in the shop and a pleasant hello to the stylists in the back that keep our ladies looking beautiful!
"Cliff, what's up...What's up Jay. Tommy...Jay, you know I got the Celtics in the finals!? Big Mike...What's up Jay. Rudy, how are you young man...How are you today Jay? Mark, What's up...my man Jay what's up!? Mel, you staying out of trouble?...yea Jay, this week I am! Ed, What it do baby?...my man Jay! Ladies in the back, Good Morning! Hey Vash, Hey Shawn...Good Morning Jay!!!!" I then take a seat in an open chair like I am at home, which I am, and proceed to engage all in any topic worthy of "arguing" over from the last week.
This happens every Saturday morning and it has been a ritual in my life as long as I have been alive. Like most men, I have only had a handful of barbers in my lifetime and can name them all. And they all know me, no I am sorry, they all KNOW ME! It is actually conceivable for a man to have the same barber all of his life if he does not move and this is normal. The Barber is the most personal person to a man outside of his immediate family. The Barber is not just a barber; he is a friend, confidant, psychologist, oracle, mind-reader, and anything else you need him or her to be that day. The Barber is the creator of "the look" a man presents to the world. Any special event, preparation starts with a haircut. A haircut can literally change how a man feels and can do wonders to his confidence.
The Barbershop is a microcosm of the Black community and it is a place where you can be yourself and truth is always expected. I always tell women, you want to understand the psyche of a man, go to the Barbershop and just listen. If you become brave, ask a question, you will get an answer!
The Barbershop is everything to everyone; you never know who you are going to meet, you never know what will be discussed, and if you ever need something, somebody in the Barbershop is going to be able to help you or know someone that can. If you need a TV, a mechanic, a doctor, lawyer, you want to buy a house, rent your condo, dance lessons, tutoring, sell products, buy products, you can do it all in the Barbershop. The Barbershop is Craig's List, Ebay, USA Today, ESPN, BET and the Yellowpages all in one.
I can remember one Saturday morning recently where one of the stylist was very passionate about the Trayvon Martin case and of course a discussion surrounding the events of that tragic case ensued. It just so happened that a Metropolitan Cop, a lawyer (graduate of Howard Law School), and some others in law enforcement were in the shop and they were able to educate all of us on the nuances of the law, in particular Florida law, gun laws, and the politics of the entire situation. I learned more that morning about the law and the Martin case than all of the internet sites, TV clips, and newspaper articles combined.
It hit me while driving home from the Barbershop that this is the only Black-owned establishment where I spend money. When I look at my monthly spend and where I spend, the Barbershop is the only place Black-owned where I contribute to the circulation of money in the Black community. I will put this in perspective; studies have shown that the dollar circulates in the Asian community for 28 days before it is spent with outsiders. The Jewish community has a circulation of 19 days, the White community, 17 days, and in the Black community, six (6) hours. Yes, not sixteen days, not six days, but SIX HOURS!!!
What does this mean? It means that the $20 I give to my barber will eventually be spent to buy him lunch next door at the soul food spot owned by Asians. The irony in that, soul food being prepared and sold by Asians but I digress. It means that the owner, Mark, has to pay his leasing agreement to someone who is not Black. This means that we have a lot of work to do!
I work downtown and my building has a Grooming Lounge on the first floor. If you have never heard of Grooming Lounge, it is a spa of sorts just for men. You can go there and get a haircut, shoe shine, massage, etc all in one visit. They have packages for all their services or you can buy them a la carte. A haircut is $50 but it includes a foot massage. The general manager knows me because I go in there once a week to get my shoes shined. And almost every time I go in there, she always tries to sell me on buying more of their services, especially a haircut.
I considered going to the Grooming Lounge. I have even asked myself why do I spend $20 a week for a haircut I can easily do myself? The answers came easily; the Barbershop is an institution in my life that cannot be replaced nor can I ever go without. I need the Barbershop for all that it offers and all that it has given me in my lifetime. The Barbershop needs me not just for my money but the "community" I bring every week that makes it the special place that it is.
The Barbershop is my country club...
Half hour, maybe 45 minutes later, I arrive at Changing Faces Barbershop in the Northeast section of DC right next to Catholic University. I walk in to my version of "Cheers" and give a "What's Up" and some dap to all barbers in the shop and a pleasant hello to the stylists in the back that keep our ladies looking beautiful!
"Cliff, what's up...What's up Jay. Tommy...Jay, you know I got the Celtics in the finals!? Big Mike...What's up Jay. Rudy, how are you young man...How are you today Jay? Mark, What's up...my man Jay what's up!? Mel, you staying out of trouble?...yea Jay, this week I am! Ed, What it do baby?...my man Jay! Ladies in the back, Good Morning! Hey Vash, Hey Shawn...Good Morning Jay!!!!" I then take a seat in an open chair like I am at home, which I am, and proceed to engage all in any topic worthy of "arguing" over from the last week.
This happens every Saturday morning and it has been a ritual in my life as long as I have been alive. Like most men, I have only had a handful of barbers in my lifetime and can name them all. And they all know me, no I am sorry, they all KNOW ME! It is actually conceivable for a man to have the same barber all of his life if he does not move and this is normal. The Barber is the most personal person to a man outside of his immediate family. The Barber is not just a barber; he is a friend, confidant, psychologist, oracle, mind-reader, and anything else you need him or her to be that day. The Barber is the creator of "the look" a man presents to the world. Any special event, preparation starts with a haircut. A haircut can literally change how a man feels and can do wonders to his confidence.
The Barbershop is a microcosm of the Black community and it is a place where you can be yourself and truth is always expected. I always tell women, you want to understand the psyche of a man, go to the Barbershop and just listen. If you become brave, ask a question, you will get an answer!
The Barbershop is everything to everyone; you never know who you are going to meet, you never know what will be discussed, and if you ever need something, somebody in the Barbershop is going to be able to help you or know someone that can. If you need a TV, a mechanic, a doctor, lawyer, you want to buy a house, rent your condo, dance lessons, tutoring, sell products, buy products, you can do it all in the Barbershop. The Barbershop is Craig's List, Ebay, USA Today, ESPN, BET and the Yellowpages all in one.
I can remember one Saturday morning recently where one of the stylist was very passionate about the Trayvon Martin case and of course a discussion surrounding the events of that tragic case ensued. It just so happened that a Metropolitan Cop, a lawyer (graduate of Howard Law School), and some others in law enforcement were in the shop and they were able to educate all of us on the nuances of the law, in particular Florida law, gun laws, and the politics of the entire situation. I learned more that morning about the law and the Martin case than all of the internet sites, TV clips, and newspaper articles combined.
It hit me while driving home from the Barbershop that this is the only Black-owned establishment where I spend money. When I look at my monthly spend and where I spend, the Barbershop is the only place Black-owned where I contribute to the circulation of money in the Black community. I will put this in perspective; studies have shown that the dollar circulates in the Asian community for 28 days before it is spent with outsiders. The Jewish community has a circulation of 19 days, the White community, 17 days, and in the Black community, six (6) hours. Yes, not sixteen days, not six days, but SIX HOURS!!!
What does this mean? It means that the $20 I give to my barber will eventually be spent to buy him lunch next door at the soul food spot owned by Asians. The irony in that, soul food being prepared and sold by Asians but I digress. It means that the owner, Mark, has to pay his leasing agreement to someone who is not Black. This means that we have a lot of work to do!
I work downtown and my building has a Grooming Lounge on the first floor. If you have never heard of Grooming Lounge, it is a spa of sorts just for men. You can go there and get a haircut, shoe shine, massage, etc all in one visit. They have packages for all their services or you can buy them a la carte. A haircut is $50 but it includes a foot massage. The general manager knows me because I go in there once a week to get my shoes shined. And almost every time I go in there, she always tries to sell me on buying more of their services, especially a haircut.
I considered going to the Grooming Lounge. I have even asked myself why do I spend $20 a week for a haircut I can easily do myself? The answers came easily; the Barbershop is an institution in my life that cannot be replaced nor can I ever go without. I need the Barbershop for all that it offers and all that it has given me in my lifetime. The Barbershop needs me not just for my money but the "community" I bring every week that makes it the special place that it is.
The Barbershop is my country club...
Monday, May 14, 2012
Humble, Yes A Bad Word
Humble is a versatile word that takes on somewhat different meanings depending on how it is being used. For example, if I say "In my humble opinion" or "IMHO", for all of those who do not like to write actual phrases anymore, the word humble here means "courteously respectful." So instead of calling the person a freaking idiot and telling them they are outright wrong, you extend some courtesy and respect and let them know in a nice manner that you think their opinion is not correct.
Then there is the other way it is often used; we tend to say things like:
"In the presence of greatness, I felt very humble"
"I come from humble beginnings..."
or my least favorite
"You need to humble yourself!"
In the first example, humble means "having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience." Really, inferior? The next example means "low in rank, importance, status, quality." Wow, my beginnings are of low quality and rank???? The last example means "to lower in condition, importance, dignity; to destroy the independence, power, or will of; to make meek." I have to lower and/or destroy myself, yes, that's what that statement means!
Thank goodness for mentors because I have been using this word for so long and now I know that it is a bad word. You know they say the "Pledge Process" is supposed to be a humbling experience? Yea, you know the pledge process for Black Greek Lettered Organizations that are meant to "breakdown" then "build back up" our young people and "humble" them. This is the same process that currently places potential members into hospitals with permanent physical and emotional injuries and scars and sometimes has lead to death. Yea, so much for a good example of a "humbling" experience!
You really have to think about what it means when a person says that you need to "humble" yourself. What are they really saying? Are they saying I need to not be so proud of who I am or my accomplishments? Are they saying I need to feel inferior or less important? Do they want me to be powerless and less independent in my thoughts and actions?
I hope not because what this word (when used like the examples above) tells me is that the person telling me to "humble" myself is afraid of me; they are afraid to be happy for me and who I am and what I have accomplished. They want me to join them in their misery and/or failures. Or maybe they are just jealous and are too proud to say, hey, "I am proud of you!"
Maybe I am wrong and over-exaggerating but I will tell you this much, it is not a good idea to ever say that word to me again! I will not get angry if it is said to me but I will definitely explore the feelings of the person thinking I should lower myself and not be proud of who I am.
Then there is the other way it is often used; we tend to say things like:
"In the presence of greatness, I felt very humble"
"I come from humble beginnings..."
or my least favorite
"You need to humble yourself!"
In the first example, humble means "having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience." Really, inferior? The next example means "low in rank, importance, status, quality." Wow, my beginnings are of low quality and rank???? The last example means "to lower in condition, importance, dignity; to destroy the independence, power, or will of; to make meek." I have to lower and/or destroy myself, yes, that's what that statement means!
Thank goodness for mentors because I have been using this word for so long and now I know that it is a bad word. You know they say the "Pledge Process" is supposed to be a humbling experience? Yea, you know the pledge process for Black Greek Lettered Organizations that are meant to "breakdown" then "build back up" our young people and "humble" them. This is the same process that currently places potential members into hospitals with permanent physical and emotional injuries and scars and sometimes has lead to death. Yea, so much for a good example of a "humbling" experience!
You really have to think about what it means when a person says that you need to "humble" yourself. What are they really saying? Are they saying I need to not be so proud of who I am or my accomplishments? Are they saying I need to feel inferior or less important? Do they want me to be powerless and less independent in my thoughts and actions?
I hope not because what this word (when used like the examples above) tells me is that the person telling me to "humble" myself is afraid of me; they are afraid to be happy for me and who I am and what I have accomplished. They want me to join them in their misery and/or failures. Or maybe they are just jealous and are too proud to say, hey, "I am proud of you!"
Maybe I am wrong and over-exaggerating but I will tell you this much, it is not a good idea to ever say that word to me again! I will not get angry if it is said to me but I will definitely explore the feelings of the person thinking I should lower myself and not be proud of who I am.
Monday, May 7, 2012
The Attitude of Winning
This past week we all learned of the passing of Junior Seau, famous linebacker of the San Diego Chargers and New England Patriots who died of suicide. Suicide is a definitive act, the sign of ultimate defeat. I always wonder why ex-athletes commit suicide and then it hit me like a ton of bricks! What happens to a person that is used to winning in one area in their life but cannot win anywhere else?
In any sport, if you are used to winning, it becomes a habit, like breathing. You win so often a winning "attitude" develops and this attitude helps create other "winning" habits. Winners practice a certain way, they prepare a certain, they perform a certain way. Those ways are reflective of the winning attitude that the athlete possesses. Even if they lose, they do not feel defeated because a loss is not permanent; it is seen as something that will occasionally happen but it will never become the status quo. This is how a winner thinks and acts and this attitude translates into every part of life.
The successful CEO who constantly sees growth within their company, profits always increasing, products evolving. That is the sign of a winner. The soccer mom who manages the hectic schedule of her kids, maintains a home, while being a great wife. She is a winner!! Winning is not something that just happens and it really is not always luck. A winner will say it was not luck but Laboring Under Correct Knowledge! What knowledge would that be? A winner knows how to win in any situation because of the good habits already established in order to win.
Ever hear someone say "I need a win right now in my life" or "I am feeling defeated"? This person has lost so many times it is started to affect their mental state; losing is starting to become a habit for them and it engulfs their life. Losing a game, a failed marriage, a business collapsing are all examples of a loss but more importantly, they could be the product of a losing attitude. There have been plenty of stories where a person has been knocked down and they get right back up and win again. But what about that person who cannot get up, they stay down because they cannot get up, and they do not know how to get back up?
Winning is not just an action but an attitude, a state of mind that is adopted over a period of time. Losing is also a mindset that can be seen as a temporary occurrence or long-term state of being. Both are adopted by just simply making the choice and doing what it takes to be either. Feeling defeated is definitive and it is the act of giving up on winning.
People who often commit suicide because they feel defeated. If you told yourself you have given up on relationships, you are feeling defeated. If you ever feel like you are constantly losing and you just need a "win," you maybe close to feeling defeated.
I coach basketball and when a shooter is in a slump, I tell them do not stop shooting or just get yourself a layup. You just need to see the ball go into the basket and achieve that small "win." In life, we all need an occasional small win but we to know how to get that small win and appreciate it. Life is not a sprint but a marathon and sometimes the little "wins" will eventually translate into one big one. You just have to keep the right attitude!
In any sport, if you are used to winning, it becomes a habit, like breathing. You win so often a winning "attitude" develops and this attitude helps create other "winning" habits. Winners practice a certain way, they prepare a certain, they perform a certain way. Those ways are reflective of the winning attitude that the athlete possesses. Even if they lose, they do not feel defeated because a loss is not permanent; it is seen as something that will occasionally happen but it will never become the status quo. This is how a winner thinks and acts and this attitude translates into every part of life.
The successful CEO who constantly sees growth within their company, profits always increasing, products evolving. That is the sign of a winner. The soccer mom who manages the hectic schedule of her kids, maintains a home, while being a great wife. She is a winner!! Winning is not something that just happens and it really is not always luck. A winner will say it was not luck but Laboring Under Correct Knowledge! What knowledge would that be? A winner knows how to win in any situation because of the good habits already established in order to win.
Ever hear someone say "I need a win right now in my life" or "I am feeling defeated"? This person has lost so many times it is started to affect their mental state; losing is starting to become a habit for them and it engulfs their life. Losing a game, a failed marriage, a business collapsing are all examples of a loss but more importantly, they could be the product of a losing attitude. There have been plenty of stories where a person has been knocked down and they get right back up and win again. But what about that person who cannot get up, they stay down because they cannot get up, and they do not know how to get back up?
Winning is not just an action but an attitude, a state of mind that is adopted over a period of time. Losing is also a mindset that can be seen as a temporary occurrence or long-term state of being. Both are adopted by just simply making the choice and doing what it takes to be either. Feeling defeated is definitive and it is the act of giving up on winning.
People who often commit suicide because they feel defeated. If you told yourself you have given up on relationships, you are feeling defeated. If you ever feel like you are constantly losing and you just need a "win," you maybe close to feeling defeated.
I coach basketball and when a shooter is in a slump, I tell them do not stop shooting or just get yourself a layup. You just need to see the ball go into the basket and achieve that small "win." In life, we all need an occasional small win but we to know how to get that small win and appreciate it. Life is not a sprint but a marathon and sometimes the little "wins" will eventually translate into one big one. You just have to keep the right attitude!
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