One of the more enjoyable things about living in this area (DMV) are the fans devoted to their Washington Redskins. Fact: The Washington Redskins are the fourth losing-est franchise in the 2000s and yet every season, according to their fanbase, they are Super Bowl Bound!! Washington Redskin fans are a true testament to blind Faith, Will, and disillusion but I love 'em the same. If you live in the DMV area, you ever notice how sad everyone is when they lose? Seriously, a good portion of this area works for the federal government in some capacity and when the Skins lose, the government mine as well shut down because no on is coming to work on Monday.
I just hope they win around the first and 15th of every month so payroll is still ran!!!!
There are plenty of other fans here in this area and if you walk into any bar in the Happy Hour Capital of the world, you will find a group of devoted fans to any of the 32 teams. In the mix somewhere will always be a Redskins fan.
In the excitement of a new football season, I have come up with some rules/guidelines for all to follow when being a "fan" on NFL Sundays!
1. No Bandwagoners. I hate it when I see a bunch of "Packer" fans all of a sudden emerge and Aaron Rodgers is now the greatest thing since sliced bread! If you are going to be a fan, be one and not only when they are winning, but like any devoted Redskin fan, you must stick with your team through decades of losing!
2. Please, when you decide to wear your team's jersey, the jersey must have the name of someone on the CURRENT roster. I saw a lot of Donovan McNabb Redskin jerseys yesterday and that man plays for the Vikings now #fail. Exceptions to the rule, throwbacks of ex-football greats are allowed. For example, a Joe Namath Jets jersey is sanctioned.
3. If you are having a football gathering at the house, you are required to bring a beverage or libation of choice for the group, not just a personal stash! At this same gathering, ladies are allowed IF AND ONLY IF, they do not nag, bother, or make request during gametime. Talking is allowed during commercials and halftime ONLY!
4. I can't stand it when I go to a bar and the random fan fanatic starts giving me stats on every player on the team dating back to when Christ was a child. Dude, I am hear to WATCH the game; if I wanted to listen to John Madden the whole time, I would have stayed home.
5. Ok, I am at the bar watching the Skins and Giants and I see a Skins fan at the bar and he pulls something out of his pocket. After a closer look, this guy pulled out a PENALTY FLAG from his back pocket and yes, it was florescent like what you see on TV. Oh, it gets better, he also had a red flag for "challenges" and he would pull these flags out when he thought it was appropriate. Look, I am fan just like the next man; a jersey, some face paint, hat, even football gloves I can let you get away with but PENALTY FLAGS, NO!!! Thats a flag on the play, penalty is pretending you are in the game re-living your glory days. LET IT GO!!!!
Please feel free to add to this list!!!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
The Essence of Ogling
We are all human, well women tend to think that men are from another planet, even another species. I am here to tell you that at some point, I actually thought they were right!!!! But I came back to my senses and just accepted that men and women are just different. One glaring difference seems to be in the form of staring or what has been termed the Ogle.
This special sixth sense for man has been studied, dissected, and microscoped to its very end and it has been determined that Ogling is part of a man's DNA. Yes, National Geographic has determined that a certain strand in a man's DNA is programmed for the Ogle. Since science has determined that this cannot be changed, removed, or erased from our being, we should just accept it and all get along!!! But I am fair and would love to dive into the rules and parameters that men should follow if they are going to ogle without offending the one they love.
The Essence...
Situation 1: Husband and wife walking down the street, husband sees very attractive woman in a tight skirt, long nice legs, C-cups and a smile in some 4-inch heels. Does he do:
a. turn around as she walks by
b. as she walks by he merely just moves his eyes
c. close his eyes and hopes he doesn't trip
Answer:
B - As she walks by, he is ALLOWED a quick glance with the eyes which should take all of .06 seconds.
Situation 2: From above, if wife sees the glance, he should:
a. Lie and say he didnt see anything
b. Smile and pretend she is not talking
c. Ask wife what she thinks about her outfit
Answer:
C - You have now bought yourself more time to ogle if you ask the wife to look at her too; while she looks at her dress, you can "look" at her dress too. Sidenote - the longer the conversation, the longer the ogle.
Situation 3: Husband and wife are out to eat at Ruth's Chris (hopefully she is paying) and a gorgeous, college co-ed is your server. She is now at your table taking your order. Do you:
a. Drop the menu you were reading and give her the head lean
b. Give her extra small talk while burning a hole in her chest with your eyes
c. Quickly greet and immediately turn ALL attention to your wife
Answer:
C - If you want to keep the taste buds in your mouth long enough to enjoy that primerib you want to order, you will immediately acknowledge (to yourself) how gorgeous the server is and then immediately turn to your wife until said threat has left the table.
These rules and others are not just for married couples, they apply to any "relationship" whether you are on a first date or have been married 50 years.
Are there other situations that men need to know what to do in order to at least remain respectful? Now, the only answer that will not work is "Just don't ogle!" That's just impossible because National Geographic proved it is in our DNA.
This special sixth sense for man has been studied, dissected, and microscoped to its very end and it has been determined that Ogling is part of a man's DNA. Yes, National Geographic has determined that a certain strand in a man's DNA is programmed for the Ogle. Since science has determined that this cannot be changed, removed, or erased from our being, we should just accept it and all get along!!! But I am fair and would love to dive into the rules and parameters that men should follow if they are going to ogle without offending the one they love.
The Essence...
Situation 1: Husband and wife walking down the street, husband sees very attractive woman in a tight skirt, long nice legs, C-cups and a smile in some 4-inch heels. Does he do:
a. turn around as she walks by
b. as she walks by he merely just moves his eyes
c. close his eyes and hopes he doesn't trip
Answer:
B - As she walks by, he is ALLOWED a quick glance with the eyes which should take all of .06 seconds.
Situation 2: From above, if wife sees the glance, he should:
a. Lie and say he didnt see anything
b. Smile and pretend she is not talking
c. Ask wife what she thinks about her outfit
Answer:
C - You have now bought yourself more time to ogle if you ask the wife to look at her too; while she looks at her dress, you can "look" at her dress too. Sidenote - the longer the conversation, the longer the ogle.
Situation 3: Husband and wife are out to eat at Ruth's Chris (hopefully she is paying) and a gorgeous, college co-ed is your server. She is now at your table taking your order. Do you:
a. Drop the menu you were reading and give her the head lean
b. Give her extra small talk while burning a hole in her chest with your eyes
c. Quickly greet and immediately turn ALL attention to your wife
Answer:
C - If you want to keep the taste buds in your mouth long enough to enjoy that primerib you want to order, you will immediately acknowledge (to yourself) how gorgeous the server is and then immediately turn to your wife until said threat has left the table.
These rules and others are not just for married couples, they apply to any "relationship" whether you are on a first date or have been married 50 years.
Are there other situations that men need to know what to do in order to at least remain respectful? Now, the only answer that will not work is "Just don't ogle!" That's just impossible because National Geographic proved it is in our DNA.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Natural Disaster Special Edition: Top Ten Man Code Violations
I am not going to lie to you, an earthquake and hurricane in the same week, kind of lead me to thoughts of "end of world" and other "things" like that but they were short-lived. Natural disasters may not occur often here in the DMV but we are not immune to them. I distinctly remember walking across McKeldin at my alma mater UMD and watching a tornado form less than a mile away. Tell you what, it aint like the movies!!!!
So in the spirit of being caught between the earth moving, sideways rain, and tree-breaking-power-outage winds, I bring to you THE TOP TEN MAN CODE VIOLATIONS. Now, like it says, top ten and these are of my opinion for the time being. The list for man code violations is quite long but in the effort to keep you interested and smiling after such a dreadful weekend, here we go:
10. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are EVEN permitted to deny his very existence.
9. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
8. Under no circustances, NONE WHAT SO EVER, may two men share an umbrella!
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of "badness" on the classic 1-10 scale.
6. "Falling on a grenade" for a buddy (agreeing to talk to the not-so-attractive friend of the bad woman your friend is trying to get with) is your legal duty. BUT, should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your boy is forbidden to ever speak of it!
5. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest!
4. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
3. If a man's zipper is down, that's HIS problem; you didnt see anything!
2. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. Remembering his birthday is also optional!
1. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. "Yeah, baby, push it"
b. "Come on, give me one more, harder!"
c. "Another set and we can hit the showers"
d. "Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"
BONUS TOP FIVE
1. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddys girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends; low level sports bonding is all the law requires
2. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh!
3. When stumbling upon a group of guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing #fail!
4. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes; as long as you dont let your friend be the last sorry SOB standing on the sideline!
5. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage!!!
ENJOY!
So in the spirit of being caught between the earth moving, sideways rain, and tree-breaking-power-outage winds, I bring to you THE TOP TEN MAN CODE VIOLATIONS. Now, like it says, top ten and these are of my opinion for the time being. The list for man code violations is quite long but in the effort to keep you interested and smiling after such a dreadful weekend, here we go:
10. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are EVEN permitted to deny his very existence.
9. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
8. Under no circustances, NONE WHAT SO EVER, may two men share an umbrella!
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of "badness" on the classic 1-10 scale.
6. "Falling on a grenade" for a buddy (agreeing to talk to the not-so-attractive friend of the bad woman your friend is trying to get with) is your legal duty. BUT, should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your boy is forbidden to ever speak of it!
5. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest!
4. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
3. If a man's zipper is down, that's HIS problem; you didnt see anything!
2. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. Remembering his birthday is also optional!
1. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. "Yeah, baby, push it"
b. "Come on, give me one more, harder!"
c. "Another set and we can hit the showers"
d. "Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"
BONUS TOP FIVE
1. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddys girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends; low level sports bonding is all the law requires
2. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh!
3. When stumbling upon a group of guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing #fail!
4. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes; as long as you dont let your friend be the last sorry SOB standing on the sideline!
5. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage!!!
ENJOY!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
It Is All In the Presentation...
So I am traveling this past weekend and I am at the airport drinking my daily dosage of OJ and waiting for my "zone" to be called. Sidenote, even at the boarding gate, we practice classism! I digress...as I am sitting and people watching, a thought came into my head and it was about an article I read some time ago about how Americans dress when we fly. It stated that Europeans think Americans are the worst dressed when it comes to travel. I think I might have to agree!
If Love Connection happened at the airport, we would be a very lonely world! Have you actually seen what we wear on our way to another city? Have we no shame? I saw folks in their pajamas, no really, their PJ's, like, what they slept in, like I-am-going-to-roll-out-of-bed-and-drive-straight-to-the-airport pajamas! Women in curlers, guys in wife-beaters, men and women with just socks on, no shoes. I know TSA has made it kind of hard for us to wear what we want but come on folks!!!
Do we think about who we might meet? Are we not ambassadors of our own city when we travel abroad? What if you met your next boss on the plane? One thing he will not do is send you on business travel!!!!!
My point, it is about presentation. My favorite show of all time is The Cosby Show and here is a clip that represents my point. It is about presentation in everything that we do. When I enter a barbershop, I am going to go to the barber that has the best looking shape-up. Why? Because he is giving me his best presentation. Ladies, when you enter the beauty salon, does your hair stylist look like a H.A.M.?
Are we too afraid to show our best to the world? Do we oftentimes not show our best self when it comes to relationships?
As men, we should actively show our best every minute of every day in thought, in dress, in love. The next time you want to wear your polka dot pajama pants and wife beater to the airport, stop and think for a minute and realize this is your introduction to the world. Is it really????
If Love Connection happened at the airport, we would be a very lonely world! Have you actually seen what we wear on our way to another city? Have we no shame? I saw folks in their pajamas, no really, their PJ's, like, what they slept in, like I-am-going-to-roll-out-of-bed-and-drive-straight-to-the-airport pajamas! Women in curlers, guys in wife-beaters, men and women with just socks on, no shoes. I know TSA has made it kind of hard for us to wear what we want but come on folks!!!
Do we think about who we might meet? Are we not ambassadors of our own city when we travel abroad? What if you met your next boss on the plane? One thing he will not do is send you on business travel!!!!!
My point, it is about presentation. My favorite show of all time is The Cosby Show and here is a clip that represents my point. It is about presentation in everything that we do. When I enter a barbershop, I am going to go to the barber that has the best looking shape-up. Why? Because he is giving me his best presentation. Ladies, when you enter the beauty salon, does your hair stylist look like a H.A.M.?
Are we too afraid to show our best to the world? Do we oftentimes not show our best self when it comes to relationships?
As men, we should actively show our best every minute of every day in thought, in dress, in love. The next time you want to wear your polka dot pajama pants and wife beater to the airport, stop and think for a minute and realize this is your introduction to the world. Is it really????
Monday, August 15, 2011
You've Got Mail!!
So my little sister calls me at work this morning and her exact words to start off the convo were:
"It must be something in the water! Why did I receive a picture of (insert name here of wanna-be porno guy)'s penis by text message?"
Ok people, I just have one question...
WHERE THEY DO THAT AT???? Yes, I said it in all my ebonics and broken English because it is now so serious, this epidemic, I cannot even speak properly.
Once again I am probably showing my age and how old fashion I am when it comes to sex but is this part of the new sexual revolution where we are all so free about what we have? Are we sending our private parts to be served with said recipient's morning coffee?
Men are sending pictures of their genitalia to women and oftentimes I do not even think they know their last name. And to top it all off, some of these women are not even impressed with the package being received.
If this is some kind of ploy to get a woman into the sack immediately, the last thing you want to do is show your "hand" before the game is even played. If she is not impressed, your chances of scoring have pretty much been diminished!!!
If she is impressed with your "hand" then she might think about it but then again, she is probably thinking your some kind of sex-crazed weirdo wondering if this is your first time doing this. The answer, probably not!!
Okay, say you do "score" but a month or two later, you two go through a bad "breakup" or you do something to make her upset and decides to post your "hand", which is still on her phone, on Facebook or Twitter and tag you. Makes it hard to get hired for a new job if your "hand" is all over the internet.
And what if this woman you are "courting" (and I use that term VERY loosely here) is sort of clumsy and loses the phone or upgrades her phone at Sprint. When she turns the phone in, Maggie the Spring lady is now going through this phone and all the old text messages and runs across your "hand." It is not like she doesnt have a name associated with it! I do not even want to think about the possibilities of a "hand" falling into the wrong hands.
BUT, you know what, I cannot 100% blame the guys for this debauchery and ignorance. Somewhere along the way, a woman allowed this to happen. A woman thought was cute or OK to do and it has spread like wildfire. So yes, ladies, you deserve some blame for this.
Bottom line, fellas, can we stop this practice. Last thing I want to happen is for some eager beaver to put in my phone number by accident because it is late night and he is drunk, trying to recall the lady's phone number he jusst met 10 minutes ago and send his "hand" to me while I am enjoying my bacon and eggs. IT IS JUST NOT A GOOD LOOK!!!! Literally and figuratively.
"It must be something in the water! Why did I receive a picture of (insert name here of wanna-be porno guy)'s penis by text message?"
Ok people, I just have one question...
WHERE THEY DO THAT AT???? Yes, I said it in all my ebonics and broken English because it is now so serious, this epidemic, I cannot even speak properly.
Once again I am probably showing my age and how old fashion I am when it comes to sex but is this part of the new sexual revolution where we are all so free about what we have? Are we sending our private parts to be served with said recipient's morning coffee?
Men are sending pictures of their genitalia to women and oftentimes I do not even think they know their last name. And to top it all off, some of these women are not even impressed with the package being received.
If this is some kind of ploy to get a woman into the sack immediately, the last thing you want to do is show your "hand" before the game is even played. If she is not impressed, your chances of scoring have pretty much been diminished!!!
If she is impressed with your "hand" then she might think about it but then again, she is probably thinking your some kind of sex-crazed weirdo wondering if this is your first time doing this. The answer, probably not!!
Okay, say you do "score" but a month or two later, you two go through a bad "breakup" or you do something to make her upset and decides to post your "hand", which is still on her phone, on Facebook or Twitter and tag you. Makes it hard to get hired for a new job if your "hand" is all over the internet.
And what if this woman you are "courting" (and I use that term VERY loosely here) is sort of clumsy and loses the phone or upgrades her phone at Sprint. When she turns the phone in, Maggie the Spring lady is now going through this phone and all the old text messages and runs across your "hand." It is not like she doesnt have a name associated with it! I do not even want to think about the possibilities of a "hand" falling into the wrong hands.
BUT, you know what, I cannot 100% blame the guys for this debauchery and ignorance. Somewhere along the way, a woman allowed this to happen. A woman thought was cute or OK to do and it has spread like wildfire. So yes, ladies, you deserve some blame for this.
Bottom line, fellas, can we stop this practice. Last thing I want to happen is for some eager beaver to put in my phone number by accident because it is late night and he is drunk, trying to recall the lady's phone number he jusst met 10 minutes ago and send his "hand" to me while I am enjoying my bacon and eggs. IT IS JUST NOT A GOOD LOOK!!!! Literally and figuratively.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Hall of Fame vs. Hall of Shame
The NFL Hall of Fame Inductee Ceremony was this past weekend and the speeches have become viral by Deion Sanders and Shannon Sharpe. Both of these players were great and contributed a lot to the game of football. Football players spend all of their careers with a helmet on their heads making it virtually impossible to recognize them in public or on the street and very few of them get a mic shoved in their face to talk about anything outside of football.
The HOF Inductee Ceremony speeches gave a side of the player, through their speeches, we probably would have never heard or seen unless they sat down with Roy Firestone at some point in their career. Both of their speeches had some similar themes:
1. Both players did not have a Father-figure inside the house; Shannon's was his Grandfather
2. Both dedicate everything they had and who they are to their Mothers
I think the speeches themselves reflect the respect, admiration, loyalty, and love they showed to their Mothers which translated into the hard work, loyalty, and integrity they showed while playing the game of football.
Sidenote, Deion Sanders nickname "Primetime" and his explanation on how he came up with it was genius!!!!
I made a decision a long time ago that I would stop watching the news, literally, stop watching it. It is just too depressing; if you want to ruin someone's day or bring them down off of a natural high, cut on the 6'o clock news. Makes you want to slit your wrist. Somehow I got caught watching the tube, specifically the news, and one of the leading stories was about a Mother on a bus and how she got chastised by another man on the same bus about her parenting skills.
Well, the Mother becomes enraged, calls her "homies" and about fifteen minutes later they show up, guns blazing, literally, and shoot up the bus. I can't make this up even if I wanted to and to top it all off, the whole thing was caught on video!
So in one instance I have Mothers who pushed their sons to be the very best at whatever they wanted to be the best at and make a better life for themselves and the loved ones around them. In another instance, I have a Mother who encourages the attempted killing of a man and other innocent bystanders because she could not take criticism.
Am I missing something here? Where is the disconnect? Where are we going as a people?
SPEAK OUT!!!
The HOF Inductee Ceremony speeches gave a side of the player, through their speeches, we probably would have never heard or seen unless they sat down with Roy Firestone at some point in their career. Both of their speeches had some similar themes:
1. Both players did not have a Father-figure inside the house; Shannon's was his Grandfather
2. Both dedicate everything they had and who they are to their Mothers
I think the speeches themselves reflect the respect, admiration, loyalty, and love they showed to their Mothers which translated into the hard work, loyalty, and integrity they showed while playing the game of football.
Sidenote, Deion Sanders nickname "Primetime" and his explanation on how he came up with it was genius!!!!
I made a decision a long time ago that I would stop watching the news, literally, stop watching it. It is just too depressing; if you want to ruin someone's day or bring them down off of a natural high, cut on the 6'o clock news. Makes you want to slit your wrist. Somehow I got caught watching the tube, specifically the news, and one of the leading stories was about a Mother on a bus and how she got chastised by another man on the same bus about her parenting skills.
Well, the Mother becomes enraged, calls her "homies" and about fifteen minutes later they show up, guns blazing, literally, and shoot up the bus. I can't make this up even if I wanted to and to top it all off, the whole thing was caught on video!
So in one instance I have Mothers who pushed their sons to be the very best at whatever they wanted to be the best at and make a better life for themselves and the loved ones around them. In another instance, I have a Mother who encourages the attempted killing of a man and other innocent bystanders because she could not take criticism.
Am I missing something here? Where is the disconnect? Where are we going as a people?
SPEAK OUT!!!
Monday, August 1, 2011
I Knew Your Girl
I went in a little deep last week so I will lighten it up for my readers. Before I start I would like to thank you all for reading and following my blog weekly. I have received a lot of positive comments in person and through other mediums and it is greatly appreciated. Keep reading and pass it on!!!
This week I am writing about a topic sent to me from a close friend inspired by a song called "I Knew Your Girl" by Joe. If you do not know the song, click the title and take a listen for yourself. The gist of the song is that a guy dated or sexed a friend of his current girl/wifey and he never told her. So in this song, he is confessing about his past transgressions with this friend to his girl.
To give this situation a real life scenario:
Carlton is currently dating a young lady named Jenny. They go to a summer cookout and Carlton runs into a past "situation" by the name of Samantha. Samantha just so happens to be friends with Jenny; they went to undergrad together. Carlton keeps his cool but has to seriously think about what to do next.
Does Carlton confess to Jenny about Samantha when they are alone or does he take Samantha "to the grave" and not ever mention it to Jenny?
If Carlton decides to confess to Jenny, does he go into detail or does he pull a Seinfeld and "yadda yadda yadda" the good stuff?
If he does not tell Jenny but Samantha does and then Jenny approaches Carlton about it, what is Carlton suppose to say? Or is Carlton screwed at this point?
Speak out!
This week I am writing about a topic sent to me from a close friend inspired by a song called "I Knew Your Girl" by Joe. If you do not know the song, click the title and take a listen for yourself. The gist of the song is that a guy dated or sexed a friend of his current girl/wifey and he never told her. So in this song, he is confessing about his past transgressions with this friend to his girl.
To give this situation a real life scenario:
Carlton is currently dating a young lady named Jenny. They go to a summer cookout and Carlton runs into a past "situation" by the name of Samantha. Samantha just so happens to be friends with Jenny; they went to undergrad together. Carlton keeps his cool but has to seriously think about what to do next.
Does Carlton confess to Jenny about Samantha when they are alone or does he take Samantha "to the grave" and not ever mention it to Jenny?
If Carlton decides to confess to Jenny, does he go into detail or does he pull a Seinfeld and "yadda yadda yadda" the good stuff?
If he does not tell Jenny but Samantha does and then Jenny approaches Carlton about it, what is Carlton suppose to say? Or is Carlton screwed at this point?
Speak out!
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