So in the spirit of being caught between the earth moving, sideways rain, and tree-breaking-power-outage winds, I bring to you THE TOP TEN MAN CODE VIOLATIONS. Now, like it says, top ten and these are of my opinion for the time being. The list for man code violations is quite long but in the effort to keep you interested and smiling after such a dreadful weekend, here we go:
10. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are EVEN permitted to deny his very existence.
9. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
8. Under no circustances, NONE WHAT SO EVER, may two men share an umbrella!
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of "badness" on the classic 1-10 scale.
6. "Falling on a grenade" for a buddy (agreeing to talk to the not-so-attractive friend of the bad woman your friend is trying to get with) is your legal duty. BUT, should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your boy is forbidden to ever speak of it!
5. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest!
4. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
3. If a man's zipper is down, that's HIS problem; you didnt see anything!
2. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. Remembering his birthday is also optional!
1. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. "Yeah, baby, push it"
b. "Come on, give me one more, harder!"
c. "Another set and we can hit the showers"
d. "Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"
BONUS TOP FIVE
1. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddys girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends; low level sports bonding is all the law requires
2. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh!
3. When stumbling upon a group of guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing #fail!
4. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes; as long as you dont let your friend be the last sorry SOB standing on the sideline!
5. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage!!!
ENJOY!
NEVER EVER EVER WIFE YOUR MAN'S EX JO OR FOR THAT MATTER MESS WITH ANY OF HIS EXS. You may however share JOs as long as you bring it to his attention in advance and provide photos and videos for the amusement of said boy. "Oh shit, she did that for you too"
ReplyDeletehow about "No Conversations at the Urinal"?
ReplyDeleteLMAO!!! LOVED THIS POST!! If I have to pick favorites its # 8, 4, 3, 2 and 1... hahaha!!! (you see im playing catch up right? do I get an E for effort :)~ Sandy..
ReplyDeletePick a buffalo wing clean! Hilarious!!!
ReplyDeleteI broke the "fly down rule" with my buddy at a mall. I noticed his zipper was down and I understood why he may have overlooked this dress code faux pas because we were all hung-over from the previous night’s debauchery. I said, “Hey man, your fly’s down.”
ReplyDeleteHe proceeded to walk through the shopping center with his fly down intentionally for the next hour and then told me, “Don’t tell me how to act and never, ever look at my dick again.”
Duly noted. Thank you.
re #1: "That's what she said."
ReplyDelete#3 has become a common issue because True Religion makes cheap zippers and they're always down. I think it's okay to let your boy know if his zipper is down... but with the least homo verbiage possible.
ReplyDelete