Etiquette for Men - Dining, The Last Chapter

Wrapping up the last chapter of the dining experience to elevate the normal man to the ultimate gentleman (at least during a meal), I will go over some small but important "rules" that will dictate whether or not you are the toast of the evening or never invited to eat a meal in public again!

Okay, so you have sat down at table, identified all utensils, drinks, appetizer, desserts, bread and you are ready to get down!!!! You are hungrier than a hostage but wait, when is it appropriate to start eating?  The safe and easy answer to remember is to start eating when others do.  In a group setting and hot food is involved, if at least two people are seated then you can begin eating.  If everyone is seated and at least 3-4 people have been served in a group of more than 4, then you can start eating.  A group of 4 or smaller, please wait until everyone is served.  Bottom line, do not be the only schmuck eating at the table.

In most settings, a prayer will be said and this is initiated by the host but it can also be given by anyone at the table and it should be done before the food is served.  When offering a toast, this can happen anytime (best when glasses are filled) and can be done by anyone.  It is customary for a guest to toast to the host for the meal and hospitality.

Elbows!!!!!  Elbows on the table while eating is a no-no! However, there are exceptions to the rule; elbows on the table during a conversation (between meals, courses, or during post-meal coffee/tea) is allowed.  Reaching across the table over others is a definite negative; if something is out of your reach, ask the person closest to pass it around the table for you. 

Tips while you are eating:

• No playing with the table utensils, bread, etc
• Sit up straight in the chair, no slouching
• When speaking, attempt to use your "inside" voice
• Try your hardest to not sneeze or cough at the table; if it happens suddenly, place face into the inside of your elbow.  If you have liquids dripping from your noise, excuse yourself to the restroom
• Never, ever, ever tilt back your chair
• Yes, really, chewing with your mouth open is disgusting!
• Noises while eating is a negative
• If you notice something in your food, no need to broadcast to the table; discretion is key
• No slurping the soup!
• If a dish is placed in front you first, serve yourself then pass it on
• If a dish is set before you that you do not wish to eat, do not touch it; although it is polite to take at least a little and try it so to not offend the host
• If you have restrictions in your diet, please make arrangements with the host beforehand. If arrangements are not made, you may want to eat before arriving
• If you say no to alcohol, fake it for the night (hold the glass, occassionally putting it to your lips)

When finished with the meal, do the following with your utensils:

Finally, you have done a pretty good job of not embarrassing yourself at the dinner table amongst your colleagues...CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Just a couple more tips and you will be ready to go!  Turn off the cellphone or put it on silent and then put it away.  Enjoy the meal and the people around you.  I cannot stand being around people who cannot put down their phone for an hour.  If you have kids and you are worried about them and want to make sure you are not receiving any emergency calls, pull out the phone every once in a while a take a glance.  If all is well, put it away! 

Last, engage the people you are eating with; so many deals have been made at the table, new jobs have been acquired, stock tips have been exchanged when you open your mouth and get to know the people at the table.

Good manners are achieved consistently when they are practiced constantly...enjoy gentlemen!

Etiquette for Men, Part Three - Fine Dining

Usually Black History Month is a time for celebration and looking back on the contributions of Blacks but this 2012 version has got to be the most depressing! First Don Cornelius now Whitney Houston.

Rest In Peace Whitney Houston...

I would like to continue our lessons in etiquette and address more of the dining experience: fine dining.  This week we will look at some table settings so there is no confusion which fork you use when eating your appetizer as opposed to your main dish.

Some quick rules to know in general so you do not look like a complete vagabond at the table:

1.  Be polite and take only what you can eat and not what you think you can eat.  Also, do not take so much food you have to pack it up and doggy-bag it.  It is rude to eat excess food and have guests around you not being able to enjoy the half salmon you attempted to devour! Finishing your plate and then going back for seconds is the ultimate compliment to the chef.  So one plate at a time please!

2. No double dipping...I mean seriously, that is just disgusting!  If you must double dip, please grab a plate and place a polite amount of dip and chips (crackers, etc) on the plate and you can double dip to your heart's desire!

3.  When ordering that nice juicy ballpark steak, do not cut it up in little pieces like you are 9 years old before eating.  Cut a few pieces, eat, then cut some more. Besides, cutting up the entire steak makes it dry out quicker. 

4.  When you are finished, please take the time to look around your "area" and clean up after yourself.  Once again, you are not 9 and the servers are not your maids!

Scenario 1:

You are in the business school and it is that time of the year to secure that internship for the summer and one of your interviews is a business interview luncheon.  Meals like this are considered "informal" and this only means that all parties involved with this meal will be sat, served, and a conversation over food will commence. 

You arrive at the luncheon venue, you are taken to the table and you see this:

No need to get nervous, just remember, everything revolves around the plate.  Forks are always to the left, spoons and knives to the right, your glass should stay to the upper right area of your place setting.  When it comes to silverware, you work from the outside in; each meal course has its own silverware.  Usually, soups and salads will be used by the spoon and fork, respectively, the farthest outside.  The next course will use the utensil that is next and so forth.  Your main course should be used by the utensils closest to the plate.  Also, remember to place the napkin in your lap immediately after sitting.  More on the napkin later...

Scenario 2:

You have been invited to your first Black Tie Gala and dinner will be served.  You have on your tuxedo and when you are arrived, you are taken to your table and this is what you will see:

Notice this setting is almost the same as the one before it accept there are a couple more forks and drinking glasses.  There is a difference between a white and red white glass.  Red wine, if I am not mistaken, has a wider rim than the white wine glass.  Also notice the dessert fork; sometimes you will see the dessert utensils placed above the plate, it all depends on the venue.

Next week I will wrap up fine dining tips and some other do's and don'ts!!! 

If I have made a mistake or did not mention something of importance, please add!!! Enjoy folks and remember, it is not always what you are eating but how you eat it!!!!

Etiquette for Men, Part Two - Dining Out

First and foremost, I must say one important thing and that is CONGRATULATIONS TO THE WORLD CHAMPION NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS!!!!!

I always tell people that after I transferred to Univ of Maryland (GO TERPS!) from Virginia Tech, I grew up, I became a man, in so many words.  UMD offered a larger support system and there were professors, staff, and faculty that took a special interest in students and helped them to become leaders.  Fortunately, I was one of the students who benefitted from the interests and was put into a position to learn some life skills that have helped me tremendously in my personal and professional life.  One of those skills is Dining Etiquette.

It is amazing to me how many people lack dining etiquette skills.  The most interesting part is that the lack of skills is not exclusive to one group or class.  I have sat down with professionals from all walks of life from every race, creed, and color; some at the highest in their career, lawyers, doctors, entertainers or just the everyday Joe and have been amazed they do not know where their drinking glass is supposed to be or which one is the salad fork. 

Granted, understanding and executing dining etiquette is not something you are born with but you can read a book or take a class to obtain the proper knowledge.  Doing so can put you in a better position to land a job, demonstrate good manners, and to simply show that you are a gentleman.

Most Important Rule

The most important thing to know when dining is to know who you are dining with and where you will be dining.  It is customary and respectful to RSVP to any invitation within three days of receiving the invite and if you cannot determine what to wear, always look professional.  It is always better to be overdressed, at least you will look m'potent! First impressions....

When visiting someone's residence, try to come bearing gifts! Flowers or a bottle of wine are always appropriate and if you were requested to bring something like dessert and you know you cannot cook, do not feel obliged to make anything. There are bakeries out in the world that specialize in such arenas!  And DO NOT BE LATE!!!!

Restaurant Entrance

First, when you enter a restaurant and you are finally lead to the table where your meal will take place, gentlemen, you are to:

1.  First allow any lady in your presence to be sat first. As a matter of fact, you should pull out her chair and after she has sat, lightly push her in closer to the table and make sure she is comfortable.

2.  If you have on a suit, do not take off your suit jacket, it is proper etiquette to keep it on.  Now, if you must take it off, please offer an apology to the table and let the table know you are taking your jacket off (e.g. because it is hot) and place it on the coat rack or have it checked at the host table.  If they cannot take it, you can then place it on the back of your chair.

3.  When a lady comes to the table you are already seated at OR a lady gets up and exits the table you are dining at, it is gentleman-like to stand and acknowledge her entrance or exit.  Once she has seated or has clearly left the table, you may sit again.

4.  Once you are sitting and comfortable, go ahead and take the napkin and place it in your lap. Do not stuff it down your shirt like you are in the circus! And most important, DO NOT START EATING!  It is chivalrous and respectful to wait for everyone to receive their food before everyone starts eating and in some cases, a group prayer will take place so please do not embarrass yourself by digging in nose first when your food first arrives.

5.  Sidenote for the Ladies: The new Louis Vuitton or Gucci bag you bought yesterday, it really does not belong in the middle of the dining table.  Please place it in a vacant chair, on a hook under the table, or on the corner of your chair!!!!!

Overall Basic Principles

1.  If you are not educated in the arena in fine dining and you find yourself having to 'wing' the entire experience, take cues from the host or from others at the table.  It is not a race so doing everything last is okay.  Keep everything basic and use the utensils everyone else is using; do not try to get fancy and make a fool out of yourself.

2.  I do not think I have to say this but I find that there are grown adults that still do this; DO NOT CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN! Yea, that spare rib looks way better on your plate than it does in your mouth. In addition, do not try to speak with your mouth full.  If caught off guard with a mouth full of greens, politely put up a finger (not the middle) to let the table know to give you a minute while you chew and then you can address the speaker.  To avoid a situation like this, try not to stuff your mouth, small portions will help avoid this.

3.  Say "Thank You", "Please", and "Excuse Me"...enough said!!!

I think we are off to a good start, next week I will dive into the actual dining experience and even show sample dinner settings so the gentlemen are properly prepared for the most formal of dining experiences.

If you have more "rules" to add, please feel free and speak out!

Etiquette for Men, Part One

We are at the beginning of a new year and I think it is very appropriate that I speak on a lost art: ETIQUETTE! I do not know what is going on with Today's Man but if you really sit down and look at the way we act in public, you would think we were raised by a pack of wolves and not in a civil society.  I like to think of myself as a gentleman but I know I occassionally fracture a rule here and there but I know I KNOW better so it is not habitual. 

This week I will take a look at some general etiquette rules and over the next couple of weeks I will expound into others areas like dining etiquette, business etiquette, etc.  Ladies, feel free to comment if you think something is missing.  I will even try to re-introduce some rules that have been lost in time.

Greetings

1.  To a casual acquaintance you may nod without speaking and a nod should always be returned in recognition.  This rule has really disappeared since we live in a self-absorbed, selfish society! In certain areas in the South, this is still done but only among the elder statesmen.

2.  Between gentleman, an inclination of the hat, a gesture of the hand, or a mere touching of the hat is sufficient.  I still do this myself while walking the city streets.  More times than not, the nod is returned but usually by gentlemen older than me; guys my age and younger do not understand this was standard operating procedure at one time.

General

3.  Always be on time; even better, be early!  I swear to you, I think a memo went out that said being on time was being 15 minutes late.  It drives me crazy.  In addition, if you are going to be late, it is polite and customary to call and say this much.

4. Always be polite. Even if you do not like the person, there is no need to sink to their level, be the better man.

5. This one is going to be hard but cursing should be outlawed.  Ok, okay, let's say no cursing in public places or in mixed company.  I know I have a mouth like a pirate so this rule will be really tough for me.

6.  Do not speak loudly.  There is an old saying, "The loudest man in the room is usually the weakest man."  Why are you yelling on the phone on the train so everyone can hear your conversation?  Why are you yelling across the movie theater like you have lost your mind?

7. Do not lose your temper.  This is one I will have a little bit of trouble with!  When you lose your temper you are showing the world you cannot control your emotions.  If you cannot control yourself, how can you control anything else?

8.  Do not interrupt!  It is frustrating when people do not allow you to finish your statement.  Active listening is becoming a lost art!

9.  This one drives me nuts, do not spit!  Spitting is already disgusting but if you must, can we at least be discrete about it.  I suffer from allergies in the morning so in order to clear up my passages, I have to but I at least do it privately and certaintly not in front of ladies.

10.  Remove your hat indoors.  This rule has been basically fractured, broken, and burned.  Anything on your head should be removed once you enter a building.  And how bout you remove that Yankees' fitted while you are at the dinner table!!!!! Really, I already think New Yorkers are rude but are you just going to live it out right in front of me over my steak and potatoes????

I think we have gotten off to a good start.  I would be interested to know if some of these rules are even feasible this day in age...SPEAK OUT!

The Death Heard Around the World...

If you have watched 5 minutes of ESPN the last 48 hours or glanced at the news in the same time span, you would know that the legendary Joseph Vincent Paterno, JoePa, 46-year coach of Penn State Nittany Lions, died Sunday morning.  Cause of death: lung cancer, but he died of a broken heart back in November 2011 when he was fired as Head Coach of the Penn State football team. 

I remember being a young man and watching Charles Barkley play professional basketball and then him telling the world he was not a role model! Never understood that but as an adult I totally reject that notion and I suspect he does also.  I think at the point we crossover into adulthood, we are all role models to someone (and looking at some of you all, this is a very scary thought) and we should be cognizant of that fact. 

JoePa understood this, said this, and lived this notion.  He wanted to use college football as a vehicle to teach young men about the most important virtues in life: honest, integrity, family, service, dedication and education.  I am sure there were more but he was literally changing the lives of young boys and making them men.  He dedicated his life to Penn State and help create a program that was near flawless when it came to recruiting scandals while maintaining a high graduation rate.

Current and former coaches and players have provided the utmost praise for a man they said changed the way college football was played and how it operated.  One former player said that when you would go back to visit him, he would ask you about your life and remember specific things about you.  He would remember things like your Mother's name, where she lived, where your family was from.  JoePa had to have coached thousands of players and he would remember the little things about each and every player.  JoePa gave over $4 million dollars to Penn State, while practically helping the University gain the moniker "Happy Valley."  Students from all walks of life have stated the one and only reason to attend Happy Valley was because of JoePa.

His presence was, for lack of a better term, godly and it was evident when he was fired (the students rioted) and when he died.  When was the last time a coach was fired and the students rioted?  Here is a better question, when was the last time a coach stayed at one job for longer than 5 years, 10 years, 25 years, or how about 45 years? 

Collegiate and professional sports, in particular basketball and football, are a cesspool of men who do not care about the school and his players but moreso about their own legacy and the bottom line.  JoePa was on the opposite end of that spectrum.  He had opportunities to coach in the NFL but passed on them because he felt he could make the biggest difference on the collegiate level.  He only coached at one school and never had a thought of coaching anywhere else.  For years, officials at Penn State tried to force JoePa to retire, but why?  They started to succumb to the pressure of the bottom line when JoePa's teams were not winning instead of focusing on what was more important which was the graduation of young men who would go on to be great citizens and do great things.  Penn State forgot that the players were students FIRST and athletes second and their mission was to graduate the student.  JoePa represented everything that was right about collegiate sports. 

My birthday was this past Saturday, 21st, JoePa died the 22nd; I turned 34, he died at the age of 85.  He coached 46 years, I have not even lived that long!  I can only hope I have the kind of impact he has had on so many. He died a man's man...

No Competition, We Are All Happy!!

First off I would like to give a big "Blu-Phi" to all the Brothers of the Illustrious Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity, Inc and wish all my Brothers a Happy 98th Founders' Day TODAY!!!

Also, if I have not said it already, Happy New Year and I wish you all, my readers, the best in 2012! 

I was reading an article during my travels in Vibe magazine, an interview with Lil Wayne, quite possibly the biggest Hip Hop star in the world, arguably of course.  In the article, he says, "Music isn't about competition no more. All the gangster rappers are happy, all the skateboard rappers are happy, all the white rappers are happy...Competition is for the old guys."

If you are not a Lil Wayne fan or you do not know who he is, Lil Wayne is the face of the next generation of young people, as a matter of fact they should be called Generation W for Generation Wayne.  Oftentimes, if you find yourself trying to understand the next generation, go and listen to one of his songs, you may be enlightened and in a better position to communicate with your sons and daughters!

This is what really worries me about his sentiments and what I want to talk about.  Man, from the beginning of time, has always been in competition. Competition is what drives any man to be better than he was yesterday.  When we are young boys, the most popular boy was the kid who ran the fastest or had the best grades or was the best at something in that school.  We are taught that you should WANT to be the best, #1, and anything other than that is secondary, loser, losing.  "Second place only means you are the first loser!" 

Anybody know who the Mavs beat last year for the NBA Title, Packers beat in last year's Super Bowl?  As a society, we love winners and want to be part of and cheer for a winner.  Somewhere in the space time continuum, we decided to start giving out ribbons for the kid who came in 10th place.  Huh? What?  The proper response to someone coming in last is "Hey kid, you lost, try again! Try harder! Go practice and get better and maybe you will win next time!"  Nowadays, its "Johnny you did a great job, way to go, next time you might get 9th place!"

At one point in my life, I was cut from the sport I wanted to play for the rest of my life.  I was sad and mad initially but I did what the coached asked me to do, what areas he told me to get better in  and come back next year and I would make the team.  I spent the next 12 months doing just that and I was rewarded for my efforts and my improvements.  And that right there taught me invaluable lessons that I hold on to, to this very day:

1.  You want something bad enough, you must go after it and work hard to get it
2.  No such thing as a free lunch
3.  No one remembers second place
4.  The King always goes home with the Prom Queen!!!!

Now, my lessons may have created a monster because I wanted not only make the team but I wanted to be the best, I wanted to win and I wanted to be known as a winner.  I learned that winning is an attitude first and foremost and if you do not go into every situation with the attitude that you are going to win, you will lose...THAT SIMPLE!

Allen Iverson got a lot of flack for his comment that he did not respect Michael Jordan on the court but off the court, he felt he was the greatest.  But on the court, Iverson looked at MJ as just another player he had to beat to win and it was possible.  As small in stature as Iverson was, he always felt that he could win, he had a winning attitude.  Michael Jordan was the same way which is why he has 6 Championships to his name.

As much as I dislike Tebow, I can say with all honesty that he is a winner and his winning attitude is contagious and has been spreading throughout the Denver Broncos football team. 

We are breeding a generation of young people who do not value competition and therefore are becoming very complacent with achievement in all areas of life: academics, sports, socially, and financially.  Ever wonder why we are falling behind in our education as opposed to some of the Eastern countries?  Why are we starting to become second fiddle on the Olympic stage in almost all sports?  Why are jobs constantly being shipped overseas?

We do not strive to be the best anymore, that is why and we are being affected by this and  I do not know how we can stop it!  Any suggestions????

Keeping it "Real", NOT Another Hood Story!

This week's year-ending blog was inspired by a WashPo article published last week and can be read here.  See you all in 2012!!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

This story does not take place in Southside Queens, NY or in South Philly, Brick City (Newark) for that matter, hell, it does not even take place in Compton.  Ever heard of Farmville, Virginia, birthplace of the Lady of Rage ("Afro Puffs")?  If your face is tight trying to figure out where Farmville is and who the Lady of Rage (the only famous person of note to come out of Farmville) could be, well you are just like many other people so do not feel bad.

The star of this story is a young, black quarterback named Charles Williams that now attends Fuqua School.  Fuqua School is private and was part of a dozen or so private schools that popped in places like Farmville back in the 50s and 60s that only catered to white students.  Farmville, population 8,200, sits in Prince Edward County and was one of the last counties to comply with the Brown v. Board of Education that desegrated schools.  There was so much resistance, instead of desegregating, they shut down their public schools from '59 to '64.  It is well known that the Prince Edward School System was one of the last school systems to give up the fight.  Fuqua, originally named Prince Edward Academy, was founded in 1959 for whites only and was actually subsidized by tax dollars.  Unreal how this was a little over 50 years ago!

Fast forward and although Farmville has Black residents, they all live in a certain area of the town and they all go to the same schools while the White residents live on the other side and go to the 'white school.'  Fuqua did not accept its first Black student until the late 80s and the number of Blacks at any given time always remained under 5.  Fuqua's President, Ruth Murphy, wanted to "diversify" her school and needed a way to change its image as being seen as anything but a racist school.  She had to ask, "How do you diversify an institution founded to perpetuate segregation?"  The answer would be a "black leader who is comfortable in two worlds;" the answer came in the form of a 14-year old named Charles Williams.

Charles is a big strong kid with a 'maturity' and 'intensity' that made Murphy a little uneasy; she once commented and later recanted this statement: "...he looked like a 25-year old drug dealer."  I feel like there exists a book with precise decriptions of what a "drug dealer" looks like depending upon his age and this book is for whites only....sheesh!!!  But I digress...

Murphy offered Charles a full minority scholarship (worth $7300/year) to Fuqua but he would have one condition: promote Fuqua among the Farmville Black residents.  Charles accepted the scholarship and although he would be obtaining a better education he would do so at the cost of family and friends no longer supporting him on and off the field.  He lost all of his friends!

Fast forward even further and Charles in now 17, captain of the playoff bound Fuqua football team, and known by many as the best athlete in the school's history.  In three years, he has helped triple the amount of students at Fuqua to 15 out of 420 students.  Still prejudices linger as he walks across school campus and sees words like "coonhunter" and "white power" spray painted but Charles has never forgotten who he is and where he comes from.

This story reminds me of some people I know, well actually, the MAJORITY of the people I know who are Black and had to be the first to do something or had to endure the hurt and pain of a racist past in what is supposed to be a "diverse" today.  Our parents endured this tragedy first hand and will be the first to be dead set against attending "their schools."  I remember coming home from college after my freshman year at Virginia Tech and my Dad casually saying that integration was the worse thing to happen to Blacks because we lost our sense of identity.  I did not understand him then but I understand him now but that is a whole other blog, I digress.

I went to a majority white high school and I was the only Black male in my honors and AP classes consistently while being one of two black players on a 15-man roster basketball team.  My teachers pushed me to form a mentoring group, called Reflections, that concentrated on students with low self-esteem.  They felt I was the best candidate to talk to other students about something that plagues all students regardless of color. 

While being an honor student and all-city basketball player, I was pulled over almost 40 times by Richmond's Finest in a year span my senior year in high school and NEVER received a ticket.  I learned what "driving while black, aka DWB" meant first hand!!  I also remember one night me and a friend of mine coming of a Blockbuster Videa and being stopped by two officers who said we "fit the description" of two burglars who just robbed a house across the street.  They made us assume the position against the wall, they patted us down, and then took our mugshots on the spot while people were walking in and out of the videostore.  I gave advice on self-esteem, after that episode, I needed somebody to give me some advice!  I also learned what description I fit and it consistently was BLACK!

I laugh silently to myself when asked on a job interview, "what are some of th biggest challenges you have encountered?"  I want to say, "applying for bank loans, picking up my wallet without being shot at, drive down the street in a nice car without being pulled over..." but I do not because what I don't want is sympathy or pity.  I know who I am and what I am.

I just want to give kudos to men like Charles Williams and the countless others who have done this sort of thing since day one.  A lot of us live in two worlds and we do this effortlessly, like breathing. They took a big step for men and stood in the face of adversity to achieve something greater than themselves.  If you read this story to a Black man in this day in age, he will not be surprised; he would shrug his shoulders and say "welcome to our world."  The only thing that is suprising is that it has taken the rest of the world this long to recognize this middle-class, Black male struggle. 

This story will probably never become a movie or TV Show because there is not enough violence like the movie "Menace to Society"  and it will not make you laugh like "Kings of Comedy."  It is a story that may never get heard but it is living everyday.

Today, we have a Black President, something I never really thought I would see in my lifetime.  There are very few counties, cities, municipalities like Farmville that exists anymore and I can probably go out on a limb and say there are not any segregated schools.  The real question, are there still segregated minds?  Is racism totally gone? 

Some will say yes, some will vehemently say no.  I do not really know, I just try to represent who I am to the best that I can be.  But I will say this, if you ever read an online article and it has something to do with somebody Black, scroll to the end and read the comment section.  Let's just say I am glad I am thick-skinned!